Sunday, April 03, 2005

 
In case anyone ever looks here, my LJ is www.livejournal.com/users/pennylane8
posted by Lanie 11:15 PM

 
In case anyone ever checks this, I have a new place to post....www.livejournal.com/users/pennylane8
posted by Lanie 11:15 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2004

 
In other news, Carpel Tunnel....
I've been thinking (somewhere in between trying to put some sort of structure to this psych paper)...don't know if this is a recent development, but I suspect it is...say, since study abroad? Although there is the painful progress...the sort of longing for that which you leave behind and the simultaneous dreaming ahead...for the most part, I have come to a point where it is not so painful. There is still the longing, there is still the dreaming ahead...but I've been pretty damn content with all of it--all the here and now--for about the last year. Being content in the moment--whatever the moment is, however big or small or beautiful or mundane. Of course, there's moments where it lapses--say last night, this morning (see below entry on painful progress/longing). But overall. And I think that is probably a positive thing--a new, healthy addition that allows me to experience life more fully in the present (and say what you will, but I think that is probably positive).

(and yes, I am aware that at times I am so introspective, it's ridiculous. But hey...I guess I picked a good major for me, then, yeah?...that's me and always has been...too bad I am so busy/lazy these days that I write it here instead of a real journal...ah, the art of public disclosure--ha!)

Oh--Ryan took about 50 photos after the performance the other night. He made me a print, with me in my belly dance costume. I love it. It's a very cool shot. And wow, I feel like a diva now--a belly dance queen--haha! My hips are immortalized in a beautiful black and white photograph.

Back to carpel tunnel with a purpose...paper...I hate using my mouse. I have highlighted 5 million passages. My wrist is not happy.
posted by Lanie 11:04 PM

 
"We live but for a short time, we see but very little, and we know almost nothing; so, at least, let's do some dreaming."
~Orhan Pamuk, _The Black Book_

"In this world there's a kind of painful progress: Longing for what we've left behind and dreaming ahead."
~Tony Kushner, _Angers in America: Perastroika_

Just the last few days...these quotes sum up my life: the dreamer. And I realize that I have a million dreams, and that even if I don't fulfill them all, they will take me great places. Last weekend, for example, I was talking with Dr. Tan and a psych major that graduated last year. He was freaking out about his future, what he wants to do. And Dr. Tan said that he should just relax and not worry so much about the path--follow what he loves, and later, he will look back and see a path. She then used me as an example: "Like Lanie. That seems like the way that she seems to do it." And so, I suppose that is a compliment. Dr. Tan seems to think I've got it figured out. It's strange to have so many people around me, all worried about each tiny step they take next. I sometimes wonder if I'm not worried enough? But then someone I respect, like Dr. Tan, seems to think I've got it figured out. i've got the few months after graduation planned. And that seems like enough for right now...it's not that I don't have ambitions. I just have many, and I want to step back and discover exactly which direction I want to throw my energies next. I'm excited to watch the future unfold.

I am also a little melancholy? Is that the right word? Perhaps not. But I will honestly miss this place. I will miss many people here, and I will miss them a lot. I am ready to move on, but just as I said when I left Turkey last time, I really wish, sometimes, that I could gather all of the people that I love into one place. But that is part of life, and perhaps part of the BEAUTY of life: the painful progress--longing for what we have left behind, and still dreaming forward. It truly is a painful progress...

I talked to Laura for the first time in a while yesterday. This whole year, we chat at parties or whatever, but rarely....that's just how it is. But yesterday, I saw her before AsiaFest, and she had found Ali, and they were sitting on the steps, smoking. And I sat down to chat for a bit. And Laura said she had just been thinking about how much she missed us: she had been making things out of paper, alone in her room, and thought about how Ali and I would have joined her...like, how many collage making fests did we have? And I was talking to her afterwards for a bit. And Ryan came over for a bit afterwards to shoot photos and I hauled out my box of photos from freshman year, and there were 5 billion of Laura and Ali and I, or any combination of that. And I really realized that I do miss her. I do miss her friendship, a lot. And I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, mostly for self preservation, I assume. But it's sad. I also suppose that's just how it goes: we have each changed SO much since, say, freshman year. SO much. And too many things have happened. But it was strange--the first time I have let myself miss her friendship. But that's how it goes. The painful progress. I suppose I am thinking of this now because it's nearly time to move on away from this place...

In other news, AsiaFest: my dance went swimmingly, I think. I wish we actually had another performance cuz I wasn't quite on all the way last night, but ah well...I love dancing, I want to do it always. Love it love it love it. And I need to stop this entry and get back to typing my paper....uh oh....I suppose there are some things that never change. Freshman year, it was Snood. Now web journal....
posted by Lanie 8:48 AM

Thursday, April 22, 2004

 
Life these days
AsiaFest 2004 has officially taken over my life. This past week, if I'm not in rehearsal, I'm making a costume. Rarely ever working, which means this weekend is going to be insane. I could slack, I know, but I hate doing that, and I am really into the paper that I am turning in on Monday. But the dance in on Sat, and I'm excited! I'm sure there will be a few other highlights to my weekend.

I need to sleep more. My body is on the verge of rebellion. Hopefully this weekend. Last weekend was not so restful, not very productive, but very good. I am hoping for this weekend to be very restful, fairly productive, and also good. We will see...

Tonight is also crazy. I still need to finish this damn directing project. And I hate microsoft word! It's evil! And need to clean a little bit, because if Andrea comes by this weekend, I want my apartment to not look as horrendous as it does now. I don't know why I do that--I mean, people always end up seeing it eventually, but...*sigh* I wish I had a maid. Or an extra 6 hours in my days. I would opt for the latter, I am sure of it. Back to this project.
posted by Lanie 10:12 PM

Monday, April 19, 2004

 
This past weekend gets 2 thumbs up. Psych conference and dinner with the key-note speaker on Sat. It was fabulous. I spent the day loving loving loving my major. And Dr. Laura King was way cool.

Also (and this probably has a lot more weight to why the weekend gets the two thumbs up, it's true...), this weekend, I finally figured out just what in the world is (and has been. Goodness, this has all dragged out over a year...) going on with Andrea. And I am pretty happy with what I figured out...*sigh*...*smile*...yeah, very happy. This week is a killer, in terms of work and prep for AsiaFest (oh, the dance is going to be awesome, I can't wait!)....but I don't even notice, really...it all seems good.
posted by Lanie 8:22 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

 
Today was mostly pretty wonderful. It was a lot of non-stop, but then I got to see Ryan, and the lovely Ms. Ali, and then dinner with Ryan, and sitting out in the sun talking with him for a good, long while. And it was lovely. And then the bike-ride. Oh yes, yes, yes to life in that state.

The rest of the night? Errands....blech-ish, and then sewing belly dance costumes....but at least since that is mindless, I can do other things, like watch the Big Lebowski, etc.

Skipped out on the party at Jacks...my head is achey and I can't deal with hour upon hour of smoke filled basement. I know I should be jumping at the chance to go to every last party...but I want to get sleep tonight....a rare commodity. Tomorrow is Ali's birthday, and her combined party with Matt, Joe, Mario, I guess? I am going to rest up for that....fun fun...

I have to fill out job apps...and go to bed. Can't believe that this is nearly all over....and adult life will then begin....so strange...so great...so...so many things...5 million emotions...what I want to do next changes from day to day...just as my plans for each day almost seem to change with the minute in these past few days....*sigh*

"This too shall pass, so raise your glass to change in chance. And freedom is the only love. Shall we dance?" ~the Magnetic Fields.

posted by Lanie 9:47 PM

Monday, April 12, 2004

 
"Carpe mutha-fuckin' Diem" That was the running joke between Ryan and I the other night....and we probably ran it into the ground. But I need to do it. When, I don't know....everytime I think I will get the chance, the chance never comes around...But I will still keep my eyes open for it...because I don't want to be old and have a life full of regrets. I don't know if this will be one of those things, but I don't really want to find out, to tell you the truth....

I went home this weekend. It was good to see my family and Elizabeth. I can't really comment on my other encounter. So I won't.

Happy 50% off Easter Candy Day! I did not actually end up buying more Easter Candy, although I normally do, so I felt that I could probably still celebrate in spirit.
posted by Lanie 6:34 PM

Thursday, April 08, 2004

 
"I wanna be strong, I wanna laugh along, I wanna belong to the living...alive, alive, I wanna get up and jive, wanna wreck my stockings in some juke-box dive...." ~Joni Mitchell

Have you ever noticed that sometimes olives taste like tin can....but other times, they really don't--they taste yummy and olive-y. I wonder why the difference sometimes. (in rather unrelated news...I must admit that I kind of really miss having a big heap of real olives--none of this canned shit--every morning for breakfast...it's a joy that I suppose will never really be adopted into the american culture...)

Joni Mitchell has taken over my life as of last night...when that happens, I wonder how I go for so long between these stints....

I gotta go finish all this directing work. Breaking out an amber ale to finish dominoes (damn it! I have worked for 2 hours on this already and am only 1/10th of the way done!)....I deserve it...it's been one of the longest weeks in the world... (I went to Up and Under with John for dinner...YAY! Oberon is back out! Huzzah!)
posted by Lanie 4:23 PM

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

 
my place stinks. like really. the sun shone through the windows and baked something funky in here today. tonight may have to involve fumigating and massive cleaning. I think I forgot that I through some old fruit out a few days ago or something....oops....

It feels like it has been more than a few days since I have written, but it hasn't even been 24 hours...today was a bit rough, though...same stuff as the last entry, really...whatever, I shouldn't care so much...but my worst fear is that I will have so little money and so few options that I will end up back in Greencastle, Indiana for the next few years....and that just sounds horrid. horrid. horrid. I think I would rather be broke in chicago or new york or berkeley...yes berkeley...oh, yes....but I feel like being broke isn't an option there....I think I am wrong, though...I think that many people are broke there...

Today, my group ran 2 focus groups. It was interesting, for sure. That meant that I got a whole lot of time by myself in the car (like 20 minutes, total, which is rather unheard of) and it was beautiful and sunny and I had the windows down and the sunroof off, and I found an anthem of sorts for my day. The line that I wanted to sing over and over was "...and I'm looking for somebody to do my thinking for me, 'till I come through....I close my eyes and my bank account and go west young man..." It's not true, but it's so true...

I have to go shimmy in the harmon lounge. Maybe my mother is right and the best job that I can possibly get is as a belly dancer in some resteraunt...hey, if I could have it over an office or factory job, you better believe that I will do it.
posted by Lanie 6:37 PM

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

 
"i don't wanna write
in english or spanish
i wanna sing make you dance
like the bata dance scream
twitch hips wit me cuz
i done forgot all abt words
aint got no definitions
i wanna whirl
with you"

~Ntozake Shange (from "For Colored Girls who have Considered Suicide when the Rainbow is Enuf")



I got word back from Bread and Puppet today...too bad I was late....they basically said, we like you, but sorry your application was late...please be persistant, and we want to hear from you again...Which is encouraging. I am at the top of the wait list...damn...too bad I put off the choice so long that I was late...ah well, it is over and done with, and I will just try again next year, if it works out like that...

I don't have a clue where I am going to be in the near future...I have a lot of shit to figure out in the next few weeks, and I just need to sit down and figure it out instead of dragging my feet anymore....

I went to see Thea Monyee and QueenGodIS tonight. They were both amazing. I bought Thea's album. Whenever I go to things like this or when I am even in my theatre classes for that matter, or any of my classes that qualify as "creative expressions," I get a feeling like, YES, THIS IS IT! This is what I want to be doing. I just get that high from expressing myself artistically...and know that that is a powerful thing...it's not just that I want to express myself, it's that I want to reach out to others with that expression--to generate discussion and questions....and all to comfort, in a way....to inspire others to express themselves...I want to create meaningful stuff....I want to generate change in the world, even if that starts with touching one person...

Oy, so that was just a manifesto on my idealism...I have big dreams, I have a million of them...and yet, I feel paralyzed at this moment, like I am afraid to chose the next direction to take. I don't know why I have developed these mental blocks...but I need to get over them, and fast...I am afraid that I have procrastinated too long on making decisions....see now, decisions are being made for me....but I need to get over that mental block, too....

I need to stop ranting here, because I'm talking in circles...
posted by Lanie 8:38 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

 
sometimes I want things that are really anti-everything-I-have-ever-said. And that seems totally inconsistent at times, and I suppose that it really is...but whose emotions, desires, passions, standards are really all that constant anyway? Sometimes you want things that are bad for you. And sometimes you change so that the things that used to be bad for you just don't really affect you so negatively anymore...or at least it feels that way.
posted by Lanie 2:14 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

 
finished yesterday in a flurry, but FINISHED winter quarter FOREVER! Then Amy Baby and Ali Bookstore and I went off to Grand Rapids to see the Liz Phair concert. All was wonderful and delightfully tipsy, until some stupid girl (she honestly was probably the most fucking stupid girl in the world) directed a homophobic comment at Amy...Ali and I tried to let it roll off, but Amy spent the rest of the concert suffering from the "gay rages," and could hardly even concentrate on the concert. So that kind of sucked.

Now, the concert itself? She focused too much on her new stuff, which...sucks. And the show was actually kind of sad. She's been going steadily downhilll since the mid-90's...and that crap she pulled...that was pretty low. Still, the concert was fun, and a good end of the quarter...last winter quarter EVER!

posted by Lanie 9:29 AM

Friday, March 12, 2004

 
Curious
I wonder how Freud's sex and death instincts (the instincts involved with the ID) play into the excessively aggressive nature with which I have always brushed my teeth.
posted by Lanie 11:07 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

 
These Habits are So Hard to Break and They're So Easy to Make ~Beth Orton

Well, here we go....just a few days left before spring break, and loads of things to do before then...I suppose I can continue this super-woman streak for a bit longer, though.

The Vagina Monologues are coming up on Saturday! I'm pumped. I heart my vagina.

Just had my Creative Writing class reading. My dream poem went over well.

****I lost my hat the other day. My favorite one in the world/that I have ever owned. The one that was my mom's in the 60s. Yellow knit, with a yarn flower on it. I should probably stop attaching so much sentimental value to objects. Or stop losing them. One or the other.

I figure I should be like the groundhog: if I lose my hat, it means that winter is officially over. But apparently, whoever controls the weather forgot to pay attention, because it's a fucking blizzard outside. HEY! You! Pay attention to me! I said, 'winter is over!'

I guess I will just have to suffer through the last of it with cold ears.****

Sometime in the next few days, when I am not cramming or choreographing or making costumes for the belly dance or practicing for the vagina monologues, I need to clean my apartment. Not immaculate, but I need to wash my fucking dishes already and clean off a space on the floor and vacuum, because Amy Baby and Ali Bookstore are coming on Monday (right as I am finished with exams and all!) and they are going to need some floor space for which to sleep upon.

So, yeah, this weekend will be all work, no play. But whatever. Someday, I will get a chance to sleep. I think it's somewhere in the schedule for 2007.

Therefore, the title of this entry applies to many aspects of my life: my cleaning habits (kind of non-existent), my procrastination habits and, among other things, my (kind of non-existent, for the time being) romantic relationships. Patterns, patterns, patterns. I won't get into that.

I've got some pretty killer **muscles** lately. The other day, one of the girls in my dance told me that my back was really sculpted. And since I am in love with back muscles (yeah, you can put me on the record as saying that), this is a huge compliment! Also, Ali and I decided that I might be able to attract potential suitors by going up to walls and stretching my arms up against them (as if I was going to start climbing them), thus showing off my shoulder muscles. And also, rock climbing is giving me some killer forearm muscles. Specifically, the muscles right around my elbow. They weren't there before. And I'm kind of strangely into them. I am pretty sure that there are people out there that find sculpted elbow muscles attractive. So yeah, I'm golden.

posted by Lanie 11:01 PM

Thursday, March 04, 2004

 
Once again, I prove the theory of relativity ~Sandra Cisneros

how do I put it....maybe the secret isn't cutting the people that are most essential out of your life (and there are really only those select few, you know, that are just so much a part of your soul--there are really only those few) when things go (seemingly) wrong....maybe the secret is to step back for a minute, and to collect yourself, and to let things change as they need to, to let things grow and move and melt and change....
posted by Lanie 9:54 PM

 
today, I woke up and it really dawned on me that I am graduating soon. Like, I knew, but today it was like *bam* as soon as I woke up. I don't know exactly how I feel about this. I am excited--so excited, but I am kind of scared and nervous (as in what the hell happens next--I guess I don't really need to know....) and...today I was feeling a bit down, but they could just be the rain and the end of this nasty sinus/cold thing.

Another thing that makes me nervous: we started studying anti-social personality disorders in Abnormal this week. This is the disorder that's called "the criminal's disease" (and is not as innocent as histrionic personality disorder--"the actor's disease." hahahahaha). What is scary about this is that these people seem totally normal and nice and everything, and then they turn out to be vicious rapists and murderers and you never saw it coming....and we are reading this story about these two brothers (one changed his name to Karamazov as part of hit plea bargain...) that were this way in Kalamazoo. And it's creepy, because the book describes exactly the spots where these things happened--like 3 blocks from my house. And it's a true story. Last night, I got freaked out reading it, and had to lock my door after only 2 pages...and then when neil came over for a backgammon game, I freaked when the doorbell rang. ONly one chap. done.....I am sure I won't be sleeping so well while reading this book.

BUT another reason all this freaks me out all the more.....The Appalachian Trail?! I'm doing that?! Yeah, I want to, but what if some psycho-killer follows us on the trail and we have no one to help us? I shouldn't freak out--it's more safe to be in the woods than in a city, probably, but last night, I had a dream where I was sleeping in the open-air, and when I woke up, I was sufficiently freaked (you know, after reading that book).

I'm also freaking about money. Like, is this something I want to go in debt for....and miss my neice's birth for? *sigh* I didn't have so many of these questions until today, but I have them now.....and I think it's because I am nervous about graduating and all that....

I'll stop ranting...Goodness.....this week and next week, that's it for this term...How in the world?! Lots of Little Sleep until then....
posted by Lanie 2:35 PM

Monday, February 23, 2004

 
It's going to be just fine. I am going to be an all-star.

or at least pass. and that's all I need.

The next 36 hours is going to be intense. And I'm off to bed, then gonna hit the ground running.

HOTTIES GO!
posted by Lanie 10:40 PM

 
someone, help....

This weekend, after surviving this week, I am going to explode. In the best of all possible ways....I will not let this week kill me......

"I can't go on. I'll go on." ~Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

All I ask is that I pass the psych comps.
posted by Lanie 6:53 PM